FriendShips.

*Disclaimer: This is a long read so get comfortable*

I believe the topic of friendships is one of which many people want to discuss, but not fully be transparent about.

I want to be transparent.

Because who wants another surface-level, simpleton, cheesy blog about friendships.

Especially as we embark on a new year.

So let’s get into the nitty gritty. Let’s be vulnerable. But let’s also encourage.

And I hope and pray that this blog will be a source of insight and blessing for you all.

Get comfortable, grab a drink or a friend, and get ready to dive in.

-- Miracle Nmeri

___________________________

Just like romantic relationships, I believe some of us have these unrealistic ideas and expectations of what friendships are to look like. So I want to explore the reality of friendships. I’ll be breaking it down in clusters from the surface to the root and I'll shed light on key insights I've gained through my experiences navigating adult friendships over the years.

The Genesis.

I believe that God deeply treasures godly relationships, godly friendships also-–as they serve as a manifestation of His love and character here on earth. Throughout the Bible, we encounter stories that showcase the beauty and significance of these friendships...

We see the friendship of Jonathan and David. Their bond, characterized by loyalty, honor, and sacrifice, stands as an exemplary model of friendship in the Bible. Another example is Ruth and Naomi. Their friendship, although born from tragedy, is one of loyalty, love and commitment. They have each other’s backs and only want what’s best for each other. 

We see the friendship between Barnabas and Paul, one of the most powerful friendships in the New Testament. Their friendship illustrated the importance of support, reconciliation, and endurance. We see other stories like Job and his friends, the mentorship and friendship between Elijah and Elisha, and Jesus and Peter.

Friendships have more power than we realize, especially God-ordained ones.

They’re definitely worth investing in.

Yet, similar to the friendships depicted then, our friendships now will not be bereft of conflict, misunderstanding and/or trials–however big or small, whatever the cause or reason.

Jonathan and David’s friendship is marked by selflessness, with Jonathan even risking his own safety to protect David from the jealousy of Saul.

Ruth, a Moabite woman, and her mother-in-law Naomi, an Israelite, both faced hardships and losses, but through hard decisions, unwavering commitment to each other, and steadfast loyalty, they end up finding a sense of belonging and purpose in each other’s life.

Consider Jesus and Peter as well. Among his twelve disciples, Jesus had a select three, with Peter being his closest companion. Despite Peter's threefold denial, Jesus, fully aware it would happen, continued to love him unconditionally.

Cultivating genuine friendships. Let’s be real.

Growing up, friendships were made over crayons, sand box play dates and shared interests–but as we get older, we see that friendships require more effort. 

We learn that quality is better than quantity.

We learn that chemistry does not always mean compatibility.

We learn that pursuing extends beyond romantic relationships, and most importantly, especially as believers, we learn that not every Christian is or has to be our friend.

As we get older, we understand that there’s more commitment that goes into being a friend, a good friend.

Words such as ‘consistency’, ‘intentionality’, ‘sacrifice’ start to weigh more and we realize that our actions really do speak louder than words.

To love another individual not related to us as ourself, that takes a level of humility, kindness, empathy.

Can I be honest?

Friendships can be challenging. Can be.

But the beauty that lies ahead is far worth it.

So yea, to get to that point, it may mean having to throw away the mask we’ve hid behind for so long and open up. Be vulnerable and authentic.

It may require us to actually pay attention to someone other than ourselves, practice active listening, and find out the likes, dislikes of our friend. What brings them joy, sadness?

It may require consistency: checking in (something I struggled with). A text, call, or face-to-face.

Support. Supporting our friend during both their triumphs and trials. Realizing that everyone has unique preferences and needs, so respecting those differences, respecting boundaries.

And understanding that no one is perfect, so learning to cultivate an attitude of forgiveness and understanding when conflicts arise.

Um, we have to be the friend we so desperately want around us.

We want great friends. I mean, who doesn’t?

Friends who embody selflessness, compassion, and loyalty. 

We want friends who will pray for us, intercede for us, show up for us and support us. A friend who can extend grace and is understanding.

And while it is a beautiful desire, we have to honestly ask ourselves, “Am I that friend??”

When was the last time you demonstrated selflessness in a friendship? The last time you prayed and interceded for a friend without them asking? When last did you extend grace to a friend?

Whether it is romantic or platonic, we can't be in relationships that are not reciprocal. 

The attributes and behaviors we seek in friendships should also be reflected in our own actions. And while a friend can come along and further highlight those characteristics, they must already exist within us.

Ultimately, to foster deep, fulfilling, enjoyable friendships, it starts with being the kind of friend that we aspire to have. Allocate some of the time spent praying for those qualities in others toward praying for our own growth.

And watch the shift occur.

Friendship breakups & reconciliation. Lord.

If you’ve never experienced a friendship breakup, in any capacity, let me tell you, it can hurt just the same as a romantic breakup. Like, heartbreak. Omg.

However, I do believe that it's not every friendship that will last.

I get that may sound harsh, maybe a bit pessimistic, but again, I want to be real.

People evolve, situations change, we outgrow, we outlive–it’s almost inevitable at times.

Sometimes you may have to say, 

“I did my time with you, I forgive you and I hope our presence in each other’s life was fruitful while it lasted” or 

“I still love you dearly, but loving you from a distance is what’s ultimately best.”

While acknowledging that can be a reality, I also believe that we can sometimes be too quick to throw away friendships. Whether it is because of how we felt in a moment or perhaps an unresolved offense that just simply carried on for too long.

The truth is, no friendship is exempt from issues or conflict.

Yes, even regular, healthy, non-toxic friendships. 

But it is our ability to navigate those roadblocks that preserve the love and integrity of the friendship. So we practice healthy conflict. 

We practice having those tough and vulnerable conversations. 

We practice putting your pride aside, your passive-aggressiveness aside, your resentment aside.

We practice fighting for friendships.

But on the other hand, there are situations where a different approach is warranted:

-If there’s a lack of repentance or repentance without changed behavior,

-If your best interests are consistently disregarded,

-If you feel emotionally unsafe,

-If you have to often question whether or not this person sincerely cares for you, 

-If you feel like you’re constantly being taken advantage of, 

-If you feel like boundaries are consistently being crossed, etc

Then that is an entirely different story that requires a different level of consideration…

A vulnerable and honest conversation becomes imperative and potentially a change in course of the friendship. “I love you, but this is where our ship docks…”.

So here’s the thing. Some of us are great at resolving conflict, however, we don’t know how to forgive. As believers, forgiveness stands as a non-negotiable, yet we often find ourselves in situations where we've patched things up with a friend but harbor lingering resentment. We’ve made amends and we’ve had tough conversations but we haven’t forgiven them, we haven’t addressed the fact that we are hurt by what they did. And so that suppressed resentment manifests in subtle ways whenever  we’re around that friend. It shows up as eye-rolls, as not showing up for that friend, canceled plans, passive-aggressiveness, slick comments or just physical or emotional distance. And THAT creates an entirely different situation that then needs to be addressed. A situation that is no longer a “them” problem, but is now an “us” problem.

Instead of genuinely forgiving them and honestly communicating our need for time to heal, process, or adjust due to their actions, we’ve suppressed resentment and now we’ve somewhat become the villain.

I’ve been there. On both sides.

Now transitioning, and I say this often, forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate things.

Reconciliation doesn’t always mean we pick up from where we left off. It doesn’t mean we go  back to being best friends or super close. And honestly, reconciliation doesn’t mean that the relationship remains a friendship at all. 

“If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” Romans 12:18.

Time can heal. But Christ is the Healer. 

Depending on the situation, trust may need to be rebuilt, harmony in the friendship may need to be restored naturally. There may just need to be some healthy distance.

And there’s definitely godly wisdom that needs to be implemented when pursuing reconciliation. 

It’s easy for our flesh and feelings to cloud our judgment and what is right.

But the ultimate goal of reconciliation? Open communication, addressing underlying issues, and the willingness to move forward, however that may look like. And again, that looks different for every friendship and every situation.

Offense is crazy.

The roadblock to successful friendships. A cancer. An evil, stubborn spirit.

Offense arises when someone feels hurt or resentment due to an actual or perceived insult.

Any which way, whether actual or a mere misunderstanding, it absolutely warrants a conversation with that friend/friends. And if we don’t want to talk about it, then we need to take it to God and rid ourselves from that offense. Period.

Because whether someone has truly insulted us, intentionally or unintentionally, or we have misinterpreted an action as offensive–that burden rests heavily on US. The other party may be completely oblivious to having offended us. But we suffer with the hurt, the pain, the judging, the emotional distress. And offense moves into a spirit of offense when we go without dealing with it, when we instead nurse it and entertain the thoughts that come with it.

I’ve been offended and had to deal with the consequences of not dealing with it.

Harboring offense will cloud your judgment and have you sounding and looking crazy.

Offense can cause deep disdain or even hatred.

Offense can leave you spiritually and emotionally broken.

Jesus, and the worst part, I have learned that the devil thrives on offense. So you know what that means? That offense can start to consume our life and affect our ability to walk out our God given purpose. Because at the end of the day, forgiveness and offense can’t coexist. What we’re doing is just chaining ourselves to our own downfall.

“This being so, I myself always strive to have a conscience without offense toward God and men.” Acts 24:16

Dealing with offense requires intentionality and a humble spirit willing to surrender the “right” to remain hurt. Sometimes dealing with offense looks like asking God for a transformed heart and renewed mind.

Sometimes we just simply need to think the best of our friends. We need to get out of our heads. Rid ourselves from that “everybody is out to get me” mindset and let ourselves be free. Let the love we have for our friend cover “the multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).  It is also crucial that we have those uncomfortable conversations. Do you know how many misunderstandings I’ve come across with friends? For instance, a friend was offended because I, my husband, and a handful of our mutual friends went on a trip abroad without her. She assumed that I had not invited her. However, a few weeks later we spoke about it and she realized that the trip was planned by another individual who wanted to travel with her close friends as a post grad celebration. 

An example that shows the simple power of communication.

Another instance was when I felt offended by my friends. A situation occurred at a birthday party resulting in me leaving to go to urgent care. I was offended that these friends didn’t call to check up on me or text me, especially being that it was in the middle of the night. But after reaching out to them individually, I understood their heart and perspective in that moment and offense was extinguished.

But when offense is left to linger…

An example of that was during my wedding planning season when a friend who unfollowed me on IG and distanced herself from me. When I asked her about it, she admitted feeling neglected, as we weren't spending promised time together. I apologized, explaining the demands of wedding preparations. I let her know that I love her and we can find availability to connect.  

Fast forward, she didn’t attend the wedding and soon after, sadly, that friendship was lost.

Previous offense led her to block me, leaving no room for resolution.

Again, offense is a roadblock to successful friendships.

Looking back, there are many situations I have been in, many instances that I wish I had taken another route, but I have lived it. I have learned from it. The goal is to not repeat.

Sometimes, it's not them–sometimes we’re the bad friend. We’re the villain.

Baby. I’ve had my fair share of highs and lows in my journey through friendships. 

And as much as I would love to boast about how great of a friend that I am, the truth is, I have not always been a great friend in certain moments and seasons. And I say ‘moments’ because, overall, I am not a ‘bad friend' (I don’t think many of us inherently are) but I have definitely operated as a ‘bad friend' in certain moments, seasons. For sure.

And I’ll be the first to say it. I have sucked. 

Call it ignorance or immaturity, I have had my days.

Offense, dishonor, selfishness, betrayal, resentment, lack of communication.

But man, as I’ve gotten older, I have learned so so so much.

Friendship, it is a journey, a voyage. ⚓️

There’s been many times, in the past and even recently, that I have wanted to call a friend out on a thing, only to pause and reflect on my own behavior and realize: I have not been spotless.

It’s easy to point out the flaws and the issues of others. When a friendship gets shaky, it’s easy to cast blame, but the responsibility for a strained or challenging friendship doesn't solely lie with the other person.

It takes two. And once we consider our own behavior and actions within the friendship dynamic and simply hold ourselves accountable, we’re able to see the full picture. 

My friendships and my experience with them.

I am blessed to have experienced genuine friendships.

I pray that the majority reading this blog can honestly say the same.

For me, I genuinely love my friends. I treasure their company, I appreciate their individuality, I LOVE supporting and pouring into them, and I want them to succeed. Most of them have witnessed me at my very lowest, but also my highest. Vice versa. We’ve shown up for each other, covered one another, and have given each other our last last.

I can proudly say that my circle of friends have transformed into lifelong brothers and sisters. Godly friendships that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

However, the journey was not always smooth. A lot of hard conversations, a lot of vulnerability, self-reflection, repentance, and growth.

Seasons changed, life events occurred, dynamics shifted, adulthood adulted, but praise God for grace and understanding. Praise God for forgiveness. 

And truthfully, there were some individuals who fell off along the journey.

But there is no love lost. Like I mentioned before, it is an inevitable part of life.

In my experience with friends and friendships over the years, I learned that you can’t be friends with everyone.

I remember a point in my college career when I had so many ‘friends’. I had entered a season in which I became a social butterfly and my popularity had grown. It was also a time when I had a lot of free time. And while it was nice getting to know so many individuals, I wasn’t establishing genuine friendships. I couldn’t. And when push came to shove, people disappeared.

But I learned eventually, ‘let the man who is surrounded by ten thousand cheerleaders not think that he has ten thousand friends…’

Not everyone can be a friend.

My value as an individual should edit a lot of people out of my life. I can’t be friends with everyone because not everyone should have access.

“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother…” – Proverbs 18:24

In my experience, many people make friends with an individual for their convenience or personal gain, others for clout or a ‘social boost’. And then there are others who don't really want friends, they want fans. Those people should not have easy access to you. Those are not friends.

We also have to remember, there are different levels of friendship.

You’ll have your super intimate friends, or what I call “close friends”. You’ll have your general group of friends, and you’ll have your acquaintances, and then…everybody else. Mere acquaintances, strangers.

Who you decide to call a friend matters to your life. Your friend(s) can help push you to greatness and purpose or they can ruin your destiny. 

So, it's essential to be discerning about who you allow into your inner circle and to prioritize authentic connections over superficial ones. 

And trust me. I’ve done the superficial friendships bit. It's not worth it. 

2024 

Just like any good thing, the enemy will try his hardest to corrupt it, destroy it.

There’s friendships that I reflect on and think, “Wow, if we didn’t put our flesh away and allow Christ to heal our hurt, we wouldn’t be at this beautiful place that we are now…”

It’s priceless.

While friendships can be a complex thing, I feel like we can really over-complicate friendships, especially if we do it without God.

For anyone reading this blog and desire genuine friendships, I pray that you will receive them this year. In Jesus’ name.

"The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." —Proverbs 12:26

For those who need to rearrange their friendship list this year and/or let go of certain friendships, I pray you do so with wisdom, care, and humility.

"Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm." —Proverbs 13:20

For those who need to forgive and/or reconcile or for those who have left a trail of unresolved, broken relationships–I pray your heart is softened in this season. I pray for humility, grace, and selflessness.

“Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the LORD forgave you so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.” — Colossians 3:13-14

"One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend." —Proverbs 17:9

“If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” Romans 12:18.

My overall prayer is that in this year 2024, friendships will look a lot different for us.

In the best way possible.

Happy sailing ⚓️